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I grew up as an only child in a single-parent household for the first ten years of my life.  I always felt less fortunate as most of my school mates came from the nuclear family household and in my mind, this was what “family” meant. It was way back then I determined that one day, I too would have a “real” family.  First, I’ll get married and then have two kids of my own, as I understood the loneliness one sometimes felt as an only child.

But as the saying goes, “With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone,” ― Oscar Wilde.  Don’t misunderstand me, because we must follow God’s commands for the ideal family. That is to say, I now have my own family which consists of my loving husband and two adorable children. Even though I would never trade them for anything, wisdom has taught me that family goes much further than that.

My Husband

Let me start with my husband, the God-fearing head of my household, whom God has established to take care of this family. He is the one who reels me in when my thoughts are way off base and believe me, sometimes, my thoughts are way out there. He is my voice of reason. The one who counsels me. He provides a listening ear when I say my thoughts out loud. Sometimes, his input is needed as my thoughts and reasoning have the same end result from time to time. He provides a different perspective; the one that causes you to put your finger on your lip slightly touching your nose and go “oh yeah.” Family is the voice of reason.

My Children

Now, my two children are the ones who keep me on the straight and narrow. I want them to be the best individuals they can be, always putting God at the centre of it all. To do that, I have to live a life that sets a fine example. After all, I must practice what I preach, so that whenever I am about to step out of line, I remember the blessings of God and the responsibility given to me of raising my children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Family keeps you on the Straight and Narrow. 

Amidst the nuclear family, I have learnt over time that family extends way beyond this.

I believe that some people cross our paths to be part of our lives.  These are the friends that become family.  They come from all areas of life, may it be church folk, work colleagues or old school mates, but my connection with these individuals is beyond what anyone could ask for. They get you and you get them.  They are the persons outside my nuclear family – and just like with my husband and my children, I can share my exciting stories, my hurts and my dreams with them. They are the ones who laugh and cry with me and carry me on their backs when I need to be carried. They pray for me and are genuinely happy for all my achievements.  The ones I can call at any time of day and are never too busy. My personal cheer leading team.  “Family supports and cheers you on.”         

This brings me back to my statement on wisdom. Wisdom has taught me that way back then, like a child longing for the “ideal family”, God had already blessed me with a family circle. I always had the voices of reason. I always had those who kept me on the straight and narrow. I always had the support I needed, and a group that was always there to cheer me on.  

I had my mom – God knows I love this strong resilient woman; a Sunday school teacher who made sure I got to church and back home safely, and my school teacher, who knew my history and pushed me to be greater than my last family generation.  

All of these amazing persons helped to shape the person I have become today simply because they had a vested, unconditional interest in me.  They are “My Family!”   

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HELP!

When someone cries for HELP, what exactly does it mean? Let us first look at the definition described in the Oxford Lexicon: 

1. Make it easier for someone to do something by offering one’s service or resources
2. Serve someone with food or drink.

Certainly, these definitions suggest that the provider of the service and commodity must possess knowledge or awareness of the recipient’s needs in order to help. Performing acts of kindness require that we understand that these needs could range from the very basic to the more complex depending on the prevailing situation. 

What creates or drives a person to need HELP? Life experiences, loss of a job, illness; disability, physical and emotional abuse, forms of self-destructive habits such as substance abuse are all threats to a stable family environment. These will demand different remedies based on external circumstances or individual differences.

An examination of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs shows us that one’s basic needs begin with the physiological until the highest potential of self-fulfilment is reached. To achieve all of this, one must be able to determine the type of help or support to be dispensed so that persons can graduate from one level to the next even as they seek to balance the complexity of their lives. 

Family Fest believes that the actualization of each of these begins with the family. Therefore, it will offer a problem-solving approach that pays attention to the well being of troubled families and provide them with strong moral, ethical and spiritual support. The first step in its mission offers HELP to address the threats that stop the family from actualizing these needs and consequently from helping our society to be a better place to live.

We have stated that HELP also speaks to a spiritual attribute that contributes to community building through strong families. Christianity instructs in Mathew 7:12 that “In everything, do unto others as you would have them do to you, for this is the law and the prophets.” The core values of Family Fest promote emotional and physical safety facilitated by a solid spiritual foundation. Therefore, helping others must not only be about solving a problem but it must also be about tuning up the internal morale to nurture that spiritual connection. Persons must be encouraged to help because it is the right thing to do.

 “Somewhere along the way, we must learn that there is nothing greater than to do something for others.” 

Martin Luther King Jr.

Practising small acts of kindness daily to help each other, builds strong connections within families. This extends into the wider society to cause a shared oneness. The impact of this behaviour is reciprocal as the giver and the receiver share the struggles and triumph throughout the experience to reach a desirable outcome. Mother Theresa advised: “Never worry about numbers, help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you”.  These are the ultimate goals of Family Fest.

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The responses triggered a sense of happiness and comfort that had been stifled or quenched before. It is from this experience that I can now craft an answer to what family means to me.

Family are persons who connect, communicate and cooperate with each other for the common good.  They may or may not be biologically related.

Relatives, on the other hand, are biologically linked but may not connect, communicate or cooperate.  Other distinctions about family is that they love, laugh and lean on each other. The love shared can be either agape, phileo or even eros as in the case of husband and wife or can be a combination of all three.  This love is the bedrock of a successful family and it is the glue that binds them together through the good times and the bad.

Love fosters an environment where members can learn from each other through listening and feedback. When the love leads to more laughter than sorrow, the family dwelling is classified as a happy home.  Laughter is an important form of feedback in the communications network of the family. Laughing often is the medicine that keeps the joints and bones of the family well-oiled, healthy and happy.

When happiness subsides, members of the family must be able to lean on each other for support and stability.  This support fosters continuity in the family. Though families will inevitably continue due to procreation, a lack of stability and support will ultimately erode its potential and legacy and eventually kill, steal and destroy it completely leaving no trace of its former existence.

Family means being intentional about its success and existence.  It means working in tandem with God who is the creator of the family, and downloading his predestined plans for us through prayer. From His template, we can formulate an all-inclusive plan of the family’s purpose, short, medium and long term goals, organisation, vision, mission, and future legacies even down to the third and fourth generations.  This plan must be done individually and collectively as a unit. Being this intentional can thwart unwanted fracturing and the spontaneous aborting of the family legacy. 

It is critical that we look at the Five Fs of Family: Faith, Fellowship, Fun, Finances, Freedom.  These can be used to create your unique family culture.

These are just a few questions that can help to guide families as they navigate their own family journey.

May you be encouraged by this article to become more intentional about the success and continuity of your family.  May we determine to not just be related, but to be family! Be inspired, encouraged and empowered to make your family the very best it can be. 

We would love to hear your thoughts and perspectives on what family means to you.  You can comment here or forward your submissions to info@familyfestbarbados.org.

Cheryl Outram

Motivational Writer, Teacher & Speaker

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It is a humble privilege to be a husband to my lovely wife, Melissa and a father to my adorable children. The role of husband and father is by no means a stroll in the park but it brings tremendous joy to fulfil the mandate that God has given to husbands in loving our wives and being a godly example to our offspring.

It Starts with Love

To function effectively as a husband and indeed a father, the motivation must be love. This is not the love based on feelings, but a committed decision to give of yourself, even when it goes against the grain of what is natural. Having a servant’s heart is essential to be a worthy husband and father. The demands of meeting everyday needs require that I think less about myself and give priority to the needs of my wife and children.

Setting Standards

Three keys to my wife and I connecting well are compassion, authenticity and empathy.

1. Compassion is accomplished through acceptance, which necessitates that we accept and care about each other’s thoughts, feelings and actions.
   
2. Authenticity dictates not only that we are real with each other, but that we need to take responsibility for our actions and change what needs to be changed.
   
3. Empathy is shown in our actions and attitudes. It simply involves putting our own selfish desires aside – understanding and sharing in each other’s feelings whenever those moments arise. 

Spending Quality Time

Presence equates to influence and as a father, spending quality time with my children is of far greater value than the tangible things that I can give them. The old maxim, “Do as I say not as I do,” in my opinion is no longer applicable, therefore, as the leader of my household, a great emphasis is placed on demonstrating the type of behaviours I want my children to emulate. So whether it is: attending church; taking holidays; going on local road trips or coming together to complete household chores, functioning in unison and having the necessary synergy is of top priority in our family.

Presence equates to influence: As a father, spending quality time with my children is of far greater value than the tangible things that I can give them.

Oneal Moore

Enjoying Every Moment

There are several moments and occasions as a husband and father I have enjoyed immensely. Travelling to Mexico with my wife, where we were married over twenty years ago, witnessing the birth of two of my children and seeing my children excel in their academic pursuits. These are some of the memorable times I have been blessed to experience as a husband and father.

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Yes… I was that committee member.

Ever since being a part of the Family Fest interim team, we were challenged to be on the lookout for acts of kindness and to be prepared for interaction with others concerning such. So one day, as I was “killing” time waiting for my wife to finish work, I became a part of a curious captive audience of a brilliant work of art… A young daughter’s dad-hero was caught with his mask off and wielding a superpower. 

His attention was fixed only on her for he seemed preoccupied with this sole duty, an example he was setting for all men who would come after him. He was oblivious to the bustling activity around him in the public market car park. Where did he learn this? Was this passed on by way of family tradition or did he acquire it along the way?

Though it was none of my business, I was so impressed that I had to commend him. His reaction to my comment was all smiles — a cordial waving of the hand and a loud burst of his car’s horn as he drove off with his daughter sitting like the princess she was, in the back seat. 

Yes, even though he was performing this duty and setting a standard this young lady would grow accustomed to, he seemingly acknowledged that his actions could have a positive effect on those who were looking on. His “praises” were coming from more places than he could imagine. He was sowing seeds of legacy for others to carry on.

Where am I going with this? As mentioned in the title “It All Begins at Home,” this daughter was being treated like a lady by her hero, dad. A lasting standard and a positive impression that would stay with her forever.

For the men who would follow after dad later on in life, the bar has already been set. Don’t rob “her” of her royalty, her training and her expectations. Now, what are we doing with our sons?

Thank you for reading. What are your thoughts? We appreciate your comments.

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